“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.” – Proverbs 13:12
What is loss? Is it not simply hope deferred? Is it not mourning the hope of a life to be? Sometimes the simplest ideas are the most difficult to grasp. Emotions lie, life distorts and people pretend. I believe our entire lives are a continuous cycle of moving through the stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. When paired with an Existential view of being, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages, life begins to appear clearly in stages of mourning one’s ultimate end.
The only guarantee in life is death. How that end is perceived dictates how that life will be lived. How quickly the stages of grief can be moved through will foretell the peace that will encompass that life. Think of those in your life who appear to have little to no peace in their life, constantly trying to control every aspect of their lives to ensure their safety and security. They hope in only the things they can control which leaves a wake of anxiety perpetuating the loss of control. Ultimately, the fear of loss of control usurps all rational thought, leaving its vessel paralyzed, not allowing future growth and stifling hope.
An existential view of the world, briefly summed up by the Soren Kierkegaard, the father of Existentialism is, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” In order to live a life worth living, ones own death must be embraced. It is necessary to accept the reality that our humanity is but a momentary stop along the journey of eternity. Our impact on this world will be determined by how well we loved those that were along our path. When the focus is solely on ones personal safety and security, their scope of view is narrow and self preserving. The anxiety that is produced turns love into obligation and death into the great unknown.
The ultimate goal in life for most people is to be happy yet I propose a challenge to those seeking happiness to find peace. Peace will come when acceptance is found; acceptance is only found after life has been grieved and grief can only occur when the source of grief is identified. That source is mourning the time passing of which we have no control and the ultimate end of death. Once this is identified, life begins. And throughout life, from the very beginning, the cycle of grief starts. It begins with Denial.
Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs: Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages:
(Throughout this next section, these two theories of Maslow and Erikson will be woven into the writing)
Denial
A young child has its basic needs that must be met, those of food, water, warmth and rest. Their view of the world is an egocentric one that encompasses only their wants and needs. They have no other choice but to explore the world into which they were thrown and begin to make sense of the world around them. They learn the level of trust they can have for those in their lives and through exploration find the boundaries of safety and security. Children at this age are in complete denial of harm or death. They face the world as if it is their playground and explore every aspect, denying their own fallibility. They will eventually learn the limitations of their existence and feel physical and emotional pain. Friendships will form, people will leave, life is unfair. Throughout Elementary and Middle School this egocentric view of existence screams, “It’s all about ME!” Kids try to find their purpose and where they belong in the world. This belongingness will create a dissonance within the child pitting the old ideals of egocentricity against ego-identity. The dichotomy which brews within is created out of the new found responsibilities of ownership to ones own decisions and the consequences of those decisions.
Anger
Around the age of 13, Denial begins to blend into Anger. Kids at this age are invincible and impermeable to death, yet pissed off at the world that things are so unfair. The hallmark cry of every teenager, “No one understands me!” resounds throughout High School and the respect for authority is non-existent. Around this age, the idea that people will not live forever becomes a reality. Many times these same kids who believed they could do anything and not have consequences, now see their older family members and possibly friends, pass away. The questions of what makes life worth living if we are all to die and the proverbial phrase of YOLO (You Only Live Once) becomes a reality at this stage of life. Kids take chances they wouldn’t normally take, almost challenging death to show up in their lives and yet at the same time, terrified that it just might happen.
Bargaining
As High School ends and the YOLO lifestyle begins to wane, questions of self worth and compatibility begin to arise. Time is passing ever so quickly. Soon enough, Bargaining sets in. “What can I do to make this life one of success? What can I do to make my life worthwhile?” Some will find this answer of success in fighting off the isolation and getting married. Others will find their calling in a professional career. This is the time people bargain with death and find their way to make a mark on the world so as when they are gone, the world will be a better place because of their contribution. They bargain their way through debt, marriage, divorce, kids, parents passing, loss, heartache, joys and pride. Continually fighting to find purpose in all that is happening, the phrases, “God will never give you more than you can handle” and “Everything happens for a reason” are used frequently during this time. Some during this stage will simply embrace death, giving into the hopelessness that surrounds them and meet their end by their own hand. This is not acceptance of one’s end, this is a selfish reprieve of the contention of living.
Depression (Mid-life Crisis)
After 40 years of age, the glaring question becomes, “What have I done with my life?” and “What contribution have I left to the world?” Helpless to change the past, the consequences of decisions made, both good and bad, are now apparent to all involved. Whether it is a life partner, career choice, words spoken or paths taken, it all comes to light and nothing can be changed, only addressed. The kids are grown, the house is quiet, the job becomes mundane and the question of purpose arises. The path during this time seems to fork greatly with many options. How those options are embraced sets the stage for the remaining years of life. Live in the routine of complacency or branch out and take the road less traveled? This is up to the author of the life being lived as to how they want their story to end.
Acceptance
After the age of 70, there is not much that can be done to change the path of life and it’s ultimate demise. Death could come at any day and acceptance of the life lived is the only option; what’s done is done. There are those who fight this reality and live in anxious turmoil until their last day, and then there are those who fully embrace the end of a life well lived.
Death is the ultimate gift for a life well lived. Along the way, I believe there are many times that people will either get stuck in a stage of grief or they refuse to move on. The anxiety and depression that arises from being stuck in these stages leaves some immature or guilt ridden. Some perpetually bounce between the loss of their childhood and the anger of owning the consequences of their actions. This discord that is caused will wreak havoc upon those involved.
The sooner one comes to terms with the reality of their own death, the sooner peace and purpose can be found. Days no longer have an urgency to them, moments are now the focus. Gratitude replaces anxiety, peace replaces fear, love becomes unconditional and life becomes precious. Those around you appear as gifts to be treasured, not pawns to be used. Life is not about happiness, it is about forgiveness and peace. Forgive yourself for opportunities missed, decisions poorly executed, persons hurt along the way and words spoken out of anger. Then forgive others for the hurt they have caused. Move past the bargaining, embrace forgiveness to move through depression and move onto acceptance. With acceptance you will live in Today and treasure the gift of today.
Planting the seeds of peace and forgiveness being watered by acceptance, the tree of your life can be one that brings joy and refuge to others. As Chuck Swindoll said it, “The stronger the winds, the deeper the roots, the longer the winds, the more beautiful the tree.” May your tree of life be one that will bring beauty to generations to come.
sateashime 